


Blow all my friendships, to sit in Hell with you

by Bicarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, BPD Character, Cheating, Kid Fic, M/M, Married Life, Mild Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post The Undiscovered Country, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-01-24 01:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18561571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bicarisi/pseuds/Bicarisi
Summary: On days like this, Dominick Carisi Jr. wished he was someone else.





	1. That green light, I want it

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is a silly thing my friend Keith and I came up with and I wanted to try to write it. If people like it I may countuine it? If not then pretend this never happened (also this wasn’t bated so there may be a few spelling mistakes)

Days like this, Dominick Carisi jr. Wished he was someone else. Wishing his life was different, wishing that he wasn’t known in the DA’s office as the man who was married to the ex ADA who murdered a brain dead baby. 

Now he was sitting at his desk looking over piles and piles of paperwork and files, daydreaming until Amanda throws a paper ball at him to get his attention. 

“Hey, earth to Sonny?.. hey are you okay?” She looked a bit worried,  
“Uh- Yeah, Yeah.. I’m okay ‘Manda” He said quickly and gathered up all of the papers, Amanda just nodded and went back to her own paperwork. 

It had been almost ten months since the trial, Rafael since then had gotten a new job, their baby girl was healthy and happy. Everything seemed to be back to normal so why did Sonny still feel this much guilt and unhappiness?

When the Incident happened, their daughter Emma was only three weeks old. Sonny always replayed how that night went out whenever he drifted off in thought.

He had just put Emma to bed and was heating up leftovers, waiting for his husband to come home when Rafael walked into the door, shaking and sobbing, And that’s when Sonny felt like his world was ending. 

He remembers glass breaking, Rafael sobbing and repeating “I’m sorry” over and over again. He remembers the yelling, the baby screaming, the huge fight. 

Sonny wouldn’t let Rafael near Emma for almost two months, there was a point where Sonny left the apartment with her and stayed with Amanda for a couple of weeks, they almost considered a divorce once. But soon they got passed it. At least Sonny had thought. 

This time it was Olivia who got him out of his trance, “Carisi, Stone needs that file about the Kelly case can you go over there and give it to him?” Sonny sat up in his chair  
“Yeah leiu, i'll go over there during my lunch break.” He weakly but sheepishly smiled. 

About half a hour later Sonny was on his way to Rafael's- Stone’s office. He kept forgetting that his husband doesn't work here anymore. He walked by Carmen and asks if Stone was in, barley making eye contact- he hadn’t formally talked to her since Rafael left. 

He knocked on the office door and sighs before hearing a “come in”, he slowly walks in “Lieu said that you needed the Kelly’s case file?”  
“Oh- Yeah thanks Carisi,” Sonny just nodded and checked the time. It was about seven, this is the time he would usually clock out and went home to Rafael, but a part of him deeply dreaded the thought. 

Stone looked up at him, “You alright? You look like you could use a drink”, he stood up and got a bottle of whiskey from the desk and glasses. Sonny took a sip and muttered a “Thanks”. 

Sonny had noticed Stone was eyeing him up and down, he was never very slick about his attraction towards the detective, and Sonny knew for the last couple of months.

‘Stone isn’t so bad looking’ the blond man thought, when the new ADA started working at SVU, replacing his husband, Sonny was prepared to hate him with a passion but given time they’ve bounded. They have went out to dinner to work on cases, gotten drinks together, Carisi didn’t think he was half bad. 

Which gave him a bad idea. 

“So,” Peter started off again, taking another sip of his drink. “How is Barba and Emma?, how old is she now?” He tried to make the conversation light.

It took a second for Sonny to snap out of his thoughts, “huh? Oh yeah they’re good, Emma is almost a year old” he smiled lightly, as he always does when talking about his little girl. Stone showed a small smile back, “good, uh yeah that’s good.” He took another sip of his drink. 

Maybe it was the whiskey, or maybe it was because he was unhappy. But something in the detective made him lean forward towards the lawyer, their lips almost touching. 

Stone stared at his lips as he licked his own, “We shouldn’t do this-..” he muttered slightly. This made Sonny move in closer, “Yeah, we shouldn’t..” 

He kissed him. It started off slowly than turned into passion, Sonny felt drunk but it didn’t stop him from finding the other man's shirt and undoing his buttons. This made Stone pick the shorter man up and laying him down on his desk, getting on top of him. Sonny felt like he was with Rafael again. He remembers the first time with Raf as Peter Stone, the new ADA was undoing his belt and kissing down on him. Letting out a huge moan. 

Sonny Carisi knew he had made a mistake.


	2. This dream isn’t feeling sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny remebers what lead up to everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place right after the events of the undiscovered country uptill Sonny’s affair.
> 
> This is the longest fic I’ve ever written and I’m so proud of how it came out also thanks to my boyfriend for being my bata and making it more angsty mwah

Sonny had known that the Householder case had gotten to Rafael, but he didn’t understand why. His husband was the one who always told him to not take cases so personal, so what made this case different for Rafael? 

Sonny had been home early that day, freeing the babysitter so he could spend more time with Emma. He remembered how small she was, she could barely open her eyes fully and would only ‘coo’ at everything. He remembered thinking right at that moment how perfect everything was. 

“Hi sweetie,” he had picked her up and cradled her softly. “You hungry? I think Papa is working a bit late tonight so it’s just us, anything you’re in the mood for?” He had asked, as if he expected for her to give a response. 

“Ooo” , “You’re right, I should make pasta.” He smiled and kissed her head then headed into the kitchen with her gently laying in his left arm. While he was cooking, Sonny checked his phone several times to see if Raf gave him any updates on the case, at first he hadn’t thought much of Raf not texting him back, he figured he was just busy with the case and shrugged it off. 

After cleaning up Emma from the mess she had made at dinner, Sonny had put on one of the kids shows on Netflix for her while she cooed and giggled in her crib and he finished cleaning up around the apartment. 

Around seven o’clock, he put down Emma for bed and went to check his phone for messages from Raf; Still nothing. 

By ten p.m and still no word from Raf, he texted Liv to see what was going on with the case. She had told him that her and Raf had gotten a drink after work to talk about what was going on with the case, and that Raf had just left a couple minutes ago. Meaning he should be home in less than twenty minutes. So he had waited. 

It was after midnight when Rafael came home. 

Sonny was in the middle of heating up leftovers when his husband came home. He remembered when he walked out into the kitchen and saw Rafael shaking and crying, he was mumbling something that Sonny couldn’t hear completely. “Rafi? Baby are you okay? Did something happen?” He rushed over to his husbands side, and took his hands so he could hold them tight. “Sonny I-“ Rafael started, he struggled to make out the words. “I-I I killed him.. I killed Drew- I- oh god-..”. Sonny felt his breathing stop, he felt dizzy, and everything his husband said to him after that just became foggy to him. 

The rest of that night was just a blur to Sonny. He felt like he wasn’t even there. 

The trial was less than a week later. Emma had been staying with Amanda and Jessie for the time being, and Sonny wouldn’t look at his husband in the eye. 

Since the night it had happened he had been sleeping in their small guest room, but Sonny didn’t sleep; every time he closed his eyes he pictured Rafael- his husband, pulling the plug on baby Drew, sometimes he had dreamt that it was Emma in Drew’s place. 

The whole thing felt like a bad dream to him. 

He couldn’t bring himself to go to the trial. Everything was so foggy to him that he doesn’t even remember if he got out of bed that day. He remembers Amanda being so worried about him and that she wanted to check him into the hospital, just in case his disassociation got even worse than it was. 

He heard from Olivia later on that day that Rafael was found not guilty. 

He doesn’t remember how he got home. All he remembers is him and Rafael shouting at each other in the middle of the living room. He remembers sobs coming from the both of them. 

The fight ended with him telling Rafael to get out, that he never wanted to see him again. He didn’t know how or if they would ever come back from this. 

A month after the trial they had considered a divorce. Sonny hadn’t let Rafael near Emma due to the nightmares he was having, but Rafael had begged him to give him another chance, and so he did. 

And so for a while, things seemed to be almost back to normal. It took Sonny a couple of weeks for him to be less anxious when Raf was around their daughter, it took him two months more for him to be able to move back into the bedroom with Raf. It all was all slowly coming back together, but something still felt off to Sonny. But he didn’t know what. 

Sonny went back to therapy afterwards, got on new medications, and learned how to forgive Raf and trust him again, but something still didn’t feel completely right to him. 

A part of him thought, how could he fully come back from all of this pain and heartache Rafael caused them? 

When he shut their apartment door, Sonny could still taste Stone in his mouth. He felt different, relaxed almost. And he had made it home just in time for dinner. Rafael was in the middle of feeding Emma, this made Sonny actually smile at his husband for the first time in months, he went over and kissed Raf on the cheek, for the first time in what it felt like was forever. For a moment everything felt like it was gonna be Okay. 

But Sonny couldn’t sleep that night, thinking about another man’s touch while his husband was sleeping right next to him ate him up inside. 

He didn’t know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Twitter is @sonny_carisi

**Author's Note:**

> My Twitter is @sonny_carisi 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! This is a new thing I’m trying


End file.
